No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
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Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Sometimes? I’m slipping
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
This is the best one I’ve seen
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Meme Monday.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
This kinda thing happens to me often