Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing