*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
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[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either