Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door