What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
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If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
we’re dead?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Once again not all heroes wear capes