ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!