PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
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Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u