Jogging has never helped my memory.
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I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Great acting.. 😂
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website