*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
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how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.