Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
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Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!