Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
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At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Maths meets science
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
🤣🤣
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security