“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
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In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.