Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
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Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.