HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
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[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.