It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
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I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?