Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
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There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!