Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
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Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy