Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
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I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it