ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
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“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
⛄️
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”