Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
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Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.