My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
You Might Also Like
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer