Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
You Might Also Like
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are