The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
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did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.