Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
You Might Also Like
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?