MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
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Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.