911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
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Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?