[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
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I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Me, in DM rooms…
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’