The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
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JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her