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WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Need WebMD
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.