I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
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Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
This is Sparta
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true