Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Worlds greatest photobomb
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs