He died doing what he loved: being alive
You Might Also Like
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I mean…but I did
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]