i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
This could be us but you eatin’
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly