I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
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If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.