I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
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My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow