So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO