A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
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English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?