Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
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Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Who did it better?
I hate everything
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.