THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Your secret is safeish with me
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.