I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
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I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Midwest trash talk
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*