I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here