JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
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pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
is nasa ok
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.