You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
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Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
why I oughta
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?