Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
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the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
me, after any kind of buffet.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police