Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
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Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.