[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
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In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[eats all your cotton candy]
not for long
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”