My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
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Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?