Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
lol
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”