It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
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*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!