My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
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[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling